brand new bullshit

it is 12:24 am and i'm on 59th and 5th avenue at the 24 hour apple store. the apple store is joining the band wagon of different store's marketing plan to have late night dj's in their establishment. last week it was dj danny krivitz. today it is n'dea davenport and andrew love of the bran new heavies. they just released a new album, so i assumed this was some publicity for them. i love the brand new heavies. and i know they've been a band way before n'dea came along, but the only thing i remember about them is her singing for them. dream come true, mind trippin, the world keeps on spinnin, stay this way, dream on dreamer, and i can go on. those are classics, at least to me they are. and mostly, not to take away from the great sound, because of n-dea. see added an element to the band's sound that siedah garrett couldn't bring (even though i liked their "shelter" album)

so to say that i am totally upset and disappointed to find her ass on the fuckin one's and two's, d-jaying, instead of singing her black ass off on a mic would be an understatement. i been plannin for two weeks to come see these mutha fuckas perform. i was excited about this shit. i was playin there old and new shit on da ipod all week and today too, gettin my ass ready for her to sing those classics, well at least to me they are. she's real low key over there too. i had to do a double take when i walked in just to realize that it was her. she got on a army green hat broke over her diva shades and army fatigue vest with tight jeans and knee high boots. she look hot, but bitch grab da mic and sing a song or two. you are no dj. she's spinnin a couple of nice joints. but she ain't even mixin them, she just jumpin from one cut to the next, ending them somewhat abruptly. don't quit your day job baby. she ain't even playin none of their own songs. a lot of alternative, house, and some hip hop.

maybe her throat sore.

it rained all day today, and although the night is nice, there still some clouds a brewin over head. i came out in this gloomy weather. i feel a certain way. the crowd is kinda crazy. ain't nobody studyin her. everybody is on the free internet. or shopping. at fuckin 1 am friday night, i mean morning, muther fuckas is shoppin at the apple store. and ain't thinkin shit about fuckin dj n'dea.

i don't wanna bitch about it. it's a nice, almost fall night. i'm glad to be out. shit i worked and went to school today. and had a drink when i got off, and smoked a blunt with my old roomate before i left my old place, and he broke me off a bud of his good ass cali green that i'm gonna roll up when i get home, and i'm still gonna go out to the chocolate bar when i get back to brooklyn.

so nahhhh n'dea!

no, i won't complain, i had a good day.

and actually it's a good thing that i came to the apple store. cause i can have them look at this cheap ass fm transmitter i bought for my battery burnin punk ass ipod that got a short in it.

steve jobs is pimpin the hell outta our asses. yeah steve's a mac indeed.

Statring a New

sittin at work and starting a new edition of this bloggin thing. i've been a lazy sack of shit this past summer but i had a crazy year as well. i had to adjust to a new environment, a new career path, school, and way of life. i went through a dating drought and then started dating an older guy that has turned out to be a high-strung crazy british jamacian. and of course when your alone u gets no play but when you start dating someone, niggas are comming out of da woodwork tryin to holler. i've acquired some great friends and associates in and around my peer group to hang out and be social with in this fairly new environment. for that i am thankful. my patients level is at an all time high for some reason. crazy situations have been thrown at me and i've managed to take a breath, analize the situation, pray on the shit and make my move. this formula seems to work so far. i think that's a good thing.

it's friday night and ain't a damn thang funny..................

so glad, so glad the weekend is here. i'm sitting at the computer with an hour to go before the weekend and a nigga can't wait. i won't be back in this hell hole for two days and i anticipate layin up and smokin out.

when i leave here i'm goin to a cafe around the corner from the crib and i'm gonna have me a rasberry ginger martini or two or three. tomorrow i will go to see ERRO at the blue note a midnite, (something i can't wait to do because the last time he rolled through i got sick and couldn't go to the show.)

sunday is up in the air but maybe just maybe i need to roll my ass up in some santurary and express gratitude for all my blessings. that would be wise.

righters block

i always assume that most people want to do the right thing. one would think that with all that's going on in the world today, that "maybe i should get myself together and do what's right for me." well reality usually kicks in when pain, fear, ignorance, and habit takes over in our sub-conscience driver's seat.

it's a lot of us walkin around our worlds wounded. our hearts are hurting, our minds are blown, and we are in a zone. don't want to realize that "hey, i am ok, even with all my fucked up flaws and spontaneously shitty situations"
sometimes you can see our misery as soon as we walk through da door. it's all over our face and in our body language. sometimes people avoid us, and don't speak when they see us, not because they are shady, but because they know ugly when they see it comin, and they don't want any part of it.

maybe we had a bad start. maybe it was real fucked up at home when we were growin up. maybe the only examples of expression and decision making that we witnessed was from wounded people in pain and scared to try. did we ever really have a fair chance at life?

mabye life was ok at home and just to fit in with our peers we made some bad decisions. either we were people pleasers, giving our resources, our time, and our souls to our friends for acceptance, not knowing that people gonna take your shit before they give u anything. use u up and send you on your way. or maybe we rolled with the cool crew and didn't apply ourselves in school and life cause that shit is lame and we just wanna have fun cause we got a long time before we gotta be responsible adults anyway. the problem with that is time's a waistin, and next thing you know the 90's just flew by and and your almost thirty.

so now i'm wounded from childhood, made some bad decisions, picked up some bad habits along the way to cope with my issues, and i'm about half way through my life here on earth. ain't got shit to show for what i've done these last fifteen to twenty years. nothing but my life, and the possibilities of what i can do with it.

my brother called me the other day and told me about our cousin and how he's gonna be dead anyday now. not that he's dyin. but he's a drunk and self destructive with the shit. he said just before christmas my cousin bought that new chrysler charger and came home for holidays. he didn't have the car for eight hours before he ran into somebody and totaled the car. he said when the police arrived he was sittin in the drivers seat passed out. he was fine, but just drunk as fuck. luckily he is a campus police at a university and the cop that came to the scene covered the accident up for him. but how many breaks can one get. my brother told me that he's just waiting for the call sayin that that nigga is dead.

i was thinkin about that all day, and then i recalled my cousin's life as we were growin up. his father used to beat his mother (my first cousin) she left his father and raised him and his sister by herself. years later his father killed himself with bullet to the head. fucked up. i can see reasons that lead to him drink, but how do u help a person thats in pain.

maybe a hug would've helped. maybe people in pain just need a hug every now and then, a reassuring embrace to let them know it's gonna be alright. there should be hug stations all over every city with someone there waitin with some open arms to rock your hurtin ass back and forth till u feel better.

well, until my hug station idea takes off i can only start with my me. repair this pain. fight this fear. remove this ignorance. kick these bad habits. eaiser said than done but i have time. time thats runnin out, but time none da less.

workin

i'm not used to havin a 9 to 5. i was so broke and useless in chicago for the last ten years, that now that i'm workin i don't know how to act. I feel like i'm one of the living finally. got a little money in my pocket, and the other day i bought 3 pair of sneekers in one store (and i ain't never did that shit, ever!)
that's how i know that God is good because a nigga need to have a job here in nyc or they is shit outta luck. it is very expensive here, and i can see how someone can go bankrupt, but if i wasn't blowin my doe on drinks every weekends, buyin lunch everyday, and tryin floss up in macy's, i might can still save for my pention.

i'm meeting a lotta of cool people at my job. tonight after class i'll be going to karoke in manhattan with some co-workers. it's our rescheduled christmas party since the first one was canceled because of the transit strike. luckily for me, i have some experience from my days back home, doin da wednesday night niggarokie. if i'm correct, in these bars karokee is kinda competative. i don't wanna have to hurt nobody with my lyrical serenade. I have found that prince always have good karokee material. raspberry beret will suffice.

nigga where ya been?

i've been one ole lazy nigga since i've been here. busy but lazy, too lazy to post on da blog dat iz. i'm handling my business with school and work. finished my first semester and did well. i've been networkin at school and work and getting along with my co-workers as well.

i've been seeing more of the older guy also. he's just my speed for and older man. he aint bitter and angry, he don't try to be "young actin" to impress or relate to me, and he has a laid back sense of style and dress (sneakers, jeans, and joggin suit jackets) he aint tryin to have me on lock down or be all in my face all the time either. and he can cook too!!! now that's a match made in my gay heaven.

it's almost the new year and i got some self cleanin i need to prepare for. it's time to deal with these bills collectors at my door. i'm gonna start payin off my debts, organizing my crib, my finances, and my life a little bit better.

a co-worker told me that i better clean my room and wash my clothes before sunday, cause i don't want to start the new year off on a dirty, funky start. so a nigga gonna be a floor sweepin, dirty draws washin, room organizing bastard tomorrow so i can kick off 2006 right.

Happy New Years to all
hope peace and prosperity finds u

bitter

well we had the first snow on sunday, and it continued on yesterday and will continue off and on tomorrow and toward the endo of the week. comin from the mid-west, i'm used to frigid temps. it's these time that u get used to that hawk for wind, dry ass skin, and chapped lips that bleed when you smile. some trip on the cold weather and act like they never experienced winter before. people seem to bitch and moan everytime winter rolls around. but we all knew she was coming. well, that bitter bitch has arrived and she got on a blistering black blouse and some baby blue bell bottoms blowin in tha bitter wind.....and her name is beatrice and she's cold as ice.