DEM BIG APPLE BLUES

brand new bullshit

2006-09-15T21:29:00.000-07:00

it is 12:24 am and i'm on 59th and 5th avenue at the 24 hour apple store. the apple store is joining the band wagon of different store's marketing plan to have late night dj's in their establishment. last week it was dj danny krivitz. today it is n'dea davenport and andrew love of the bran new heavies. they just released a new album, so i assumed this was some publicity for them. i love the brand new heavies. and i know they've been a band way before n'dea came along, but the only thing i remember about them is her singing for them. dream come true, mind trippin, the world keeps on spinnin, stay this way, dream on dreamer, and i can go on. those are classics, at least to me they are. and mostly, not to take away from the great sound, because of n-dea. see added an element to the band's sound that siedah garrett couldn't bring (even though i liked their "shelter" album)

so to say that i am totally upset and disappointed to find her ass on the fuckin one's and two's, d-jaying, instead of singing her black ass off on a mic would be an understatement. i been plannin for two weeks to come see these mutha fuckas perform. i was excited about this shit. i was playin there old and new shit on da ipod all week and today too, gettin my ass ready for her to sing those classics, well at least to me they are. she's real low key over there too. i had to do a double take when i walked in just to realize that it was her. she got on a army green hat broke over her diva shades and army fatigue vest with tight jeans and knee high boots. she look hot, but bitch grab da mic and sing a song or two. you are no dj. she's spinnin a couple of nice joints. but she ain't even mixin them, she just jumpin from one cut to the next, ending them somewhat abruptly. don't quit your day job baby. she ain't even playin none of their own songs. a lot of alternative, house, and some hip hop.

maybe her throat sore.

it rained all day today, and although the night is nice, there still some clouds a brewin over head. i came out in this gloomy weather. i feel a certain way. the crowd is kinda crazy. ain't nobody studyin her. everybody is on the free internet. or shopping. at fuckin 1 am friday night, i mean morning, muther fuckas is shoppin at the apple store. and ain't thinkin shit about fuckin dj n'dea.

i don't wanna bitch about it. it's a nice, almost fall night. i'm glad to be out. shit i worked and went to school today. and had a drink when i got off, and smoked a blunt with my old roomate before i left my old place, and he broke me off a bud of his good ass cali green that i'm gonna roll up when i get home, and i'm still gonna go out to the chocolate bar when i get back to brooklyn.

so nahhhh n'dea!

no, i won't complain, i had a good day.

and actually it's a good thing that i came to the apple store. cause i can have them look at this cheap ass fm transmitter i bought for my battery burnin punk ass ipod that got a short in it.

steve jobs is pimpin the hell outta our asses. yeah steve's a mac indeed.

Statring a New

2006-08-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

sittin at work and starting a new edition of this bloggin thing. i've been a lazy sack of shit this past summer but i had a crazy year as well. i had to adjust to a new environment, a new career path, school, and way of life. i went through a dating drought and then started dating an older guy that has turned out to be a high-strung crazy british jamacian. and of course when your alone u gets no play but when you start dating someone, niggas are comming out of da woodwork tryin to holler. i've acquired some great friends and associates in and around my peer group to hang out and be social with in this fairly new environment. for that i am thankful. my patients level is at an all time high for some reason. crazy situations have been thrown at me and i've managed to take a breath, analize the situation, pray on the shit and make my move. this formula seems to work so far. i think that's a good thing.

it's friday night and ain't a damn thang funny..................

2006-02-03T14:04:00.000-08:00

so glad, so glad the weekend is here. i'm sitting at the computer with an hour to go before the weekend and a nigga can't wait. i won't be back in this hell hole for two days and i anticipate layin up and smokin out.

when i leave here i'm goin to a cafe around the corner from the crib and i'm gonna have me a rasberry ginger martini or two or three. tomorrow i will go to see ERRO at the blue note a midnite, (something i can't wait to do because the last time he rolled through i got sick and couldn't go to the show.)

sunday is up in the air but maybe just maybe i need to roll my ass up in some santurary and express gratitude for all my blessings. that would be wise.

righters block

2006-01-22T08:49:00.000-08:00

i always assume that most people want to do the right thing. one would think that with all that's going on in the world today, that "maybe i should get myself together and do what's right for me." well reality usually kicks in when pain, fear, ignorance, and habit takes over in our sub-conscience driver's seat.

it's a lot of us walkin around our worlds wounded. our hearts are hurting, our minds are blown, and we are in a zone. don't want to realize that "hey, i am ok, even with all my fucked up flaws and spontaneously shitty situations"
sometimes you can see our misery as soon as we walk through da door. it's all over our face and in our body language. sometimes people avoid us, and don't speak when they see us, not because they are shady, but because they know ugly when they see it comin, and they don't want any part of it.

maybe we had a bad start. maybe it was real fucked up at home when we were growin up. maybe the only examples of expression and decision making that we witnessed was from wounded people in pain and scared to try. did we ever really have a fair chance at life?

mabye life was ok at home and just to fit in with our peers we made some bad decisions. either we were people pleasers, giving our resources, our time, and our souls to our friends for acceptance, not knowing that people gonna take your shit before they give u anything. use u up and send you on your way. or maybe we rolled with the cool crew and didn't apply ourselves in school and life cause that shit is lame and we just wanna have fun cause we got a long time before we gotta be responsible adults anyway. the problem with that is time's a waistin, and next thing you know the 90's just flew by and and your almost thirty.

so now i'm wounded from childhood, made some bad decisions, picked up some bad habits along the way to cope with my issues, and i'm about half way through my life here on earth. ain't got shit to show for what i've done these last fifteen to twenty years. nothing but my life, and the possibilities of what i can do with it.

my brother called me the other day and told me about our cousin and how he's gonna be dead anyday now. not that he's dyin. but he's a drunk and self destructive with the shit. he said just before christmas my cousin bought that new chrysler charger and came home for holidays. he didn't have the car for eight hours before he ran into somebody and totaled the car. he said when the police arrived he was sittin in the drivers seat passed out. he was fine, but just drunk as fuck. luckily he is a campus police at a university and the cop that came to the scene covered the accident up for him. but how many breaks can one get. my brother told me that he's just waiting for the call sayin that that nigga is dead.

i was thinkin about that all day, and then i recalled my cousin's life as we were growin up. his father used to beat his mother (my first cousin) she left his father and raised him and his sister by herself. years later his father killed himself with bullet to the head. fucked up. i can see reasons that lead to him drink, but how do u help a person thats in pain.

maybe a hug would've helped. maybe people in pain just need a hug every now and then, a reassuring embrace to let them know it's gonna be alright. there should be hug stations all over every city with someone there waitin with some open arms to rock your hurtin ass back and forth till u feel better.

well, until my hug station idea takes off i can only start with my me. repair this pain. fight this fear. remove this ignorance. kick these bad habits. eaiser said than done but i have time. time thats runnin out, but time none da less.

workin

2006-01-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

i'm not used to havin a 9 to 5. i was so broke and useless in chicago for the last ten years, that now that i'm workin i don't know how to act. I feel like i'm one of the living finally. got a little money in my pocket, and the other day i bought 3 pair of sneekers in one store (and i ain't never did that shit, ever!)
that's how i know that God is good because a nigga need to have a job here in nyc or they is shit outta luck. it is very expensive here, and i can see how someone can go bankrupt, but if i wasn't blowin my doe on drinks every weekends, buyin lunch everyday, and tryin floss up in macy's, i might can still save for my pention.

i'm meeting a lotta of cool people at my job. tonight after class i'll be going to karoke in manhattan with some co-workers. it's our rescheduled christmas party since the first one was canceled because of the transit strike. luckily for me, i have some experience from my days back home, doin da wednesday night niggarokie. if i'm correct, in these bars karokee is kinda competative. i don't wanna have to hurt nobody with my lyrical serenade. I have found that prince always have good karokee material. raspberry beret will suffice.

nigga where ya been?

2005-12-30T08:54:00.000-08:00

i've been one ole lazy nigga since i've been here. busy but lazy, too lazy to post on da blog dat iz. i'm handling my business with school and work. finished my first semester and did well. i've been networkin at school and work and getting along with my co-workers as well.

i've been seeing more of the older guy also. he's just my speed for and older man. he aint bitter and angry, he don't try to be "young actin" to impress or relate to me, and he has a laid back sense of style and dress (sneakers, jeans, and joggin suit jackets) he aint tryin to have me on lock down or be all in my face all the time either. and he can cook too!!! now that's a match made in my gay heaven.

it's almost the new year and i got some self cleanin i need to prepare for. it's time to deal with these bills collectors at my door. i'm gonna start payin off my debts, organizing my crib, my finances, and my life a little bit better.

a co-worker told me that i better clean my room and wash my clothes before sunday, cause i don't want to start the new year off on a dirty, funky start. so a nigga gonna be a floor sweepin, dirty draws washin, room organizing bastard tomorrow so i can kick off 2006 right.

Happy New Years to all
hope peace and prosperity finds u

bitter

2005-12-06T13:50:00.000-08:00

well we had the first snow on sunday, and it continued on yesterday and will continue off and on tomorrow and toward the endo of the week. comin from the mid-west, i'm used to frigid temps. it's these time that u get used to that hawk for wind, dry ass skin, and chapped lips that bleed when you smile. some trip on the cold weather and act like they never experienced winter before. people seem to bitch and moan everytime winter rolls around. but we all knew she was coming. well, that bitter bitch has arrived and she got on a blistering black blouse and some baby blue bell bottoms blowin in tha bitter wind.....and her name is beatrice and she's cold as ice.

turkey day

2005-11-30T21:32:00.000-08:00

i ate like a fat bitch for da holiday. actually that whole week i couldnt' push away from the table. I went back to da midwest for the family festivities and it was all gud! stopped in chicago, and partied niggarokied with my friends. went home to wisconsin to kick it with tha fam it went down on turkey day. all kinds of soul food u can think about was up for grabs. and deserts all over the place; cheese cake, german chocolate cake, even a carmel and banna cake if you can imagine that, and it was great too. only thing was missing was a fried turkey. i don't think anyone wanted to risk burnin down the garage and back yard this year tryin to fry a turkey.

decisions, decisions.................

2005-11-15T16:27:00.000-08:00

ok, so i'm talkin to two guys right now.
they are like night and day
one is mid forties
the other one is early twenties
one is youthful in his age, successful in his career, grounded and a breath of fresh air
the other one is mature in his youth, in grad school, working full time, and focused on what he gotta do
one is 6'3, stocky, earthy, smooth, caramel and handsome
the other is 6'0, slim, funny, hairy, mocha and sexy
one is probably set in his aged ways
the other is probably inexperienced and got a lot of shit to go through
one drives a bmw
the other one is on foot (not that either matters but thought i'd through dat out dare)

both are very cool people
both have their own potential

i've only known them both for a few weeks

do i have to make a choice now?
is it wrong to date two guys simultaneously to see what's really goin on?
am i being a greedy, slut?

i know it's too soon to tell
they both probably got some red flags they'll be wavin in my face soon

but so far they both tha shit

well, we shall see.........

free fallin

2005-11-07T21:22:00.000-08:00

the weather is beautiful, but just a tad chilly
i walked past a tree that was just raining down red yellow and orange leaves in every direction
it's that decieving weather where u look out da window and see sun rays, but u walk outside and it feels like an old heartless, bitter bitch......cold as hell

u know it's cold when u start seeing your breath
and ladies in leg warmers

but it aint that cold that niggas is pullin out their bombers and snorkels
they gonna be them same one's that are sweaty and funky by mid day in their hot ass coat

it's fallin all over again

damn, seems like it was just spring

got my mac on

2005-11-03T21:08:00.000-08:00

finally bought my mac
i got the iMac G5
it comes with built in i-sight and a remote control
i feel like one of the living again

speakin of gettin my mack on.....

i met a guy
on holloween
a brit
from da islands
older
sexy
mature
wise
deep

bout time

R.I.P.

2005-10-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

LeRoy Whitfield

FALL

2005-10-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

i luv da fall. it started getting cool last weekend and it's about time. this summer was rather hot and at times misreable. i was growin tired of being underground waiting for the train in the mornin and sweatin out my good outfit. then i'd be feelin like a saltine cracker all day. i would've thought that it would be cooler underground cause usually the basement of a house is the coolest room in the place during summer. but i guess when u got electric hot ass steel trains and thousands of live human bodies beneath the earth that would cause a little heat.

but back to fall....

it's layer time. i pulled out my sweaters. ohhhhh joy!!!! i appreciate having many options when wearing clothing. and you can adjust to the temperature by adding or removing your layers. it's a beautiful thing.

leaves are falling with the temperature and the days are a little grayer, but that don't make the day any less beautiful. it rained the whole weekend and the streets were still busy.

it's like spring in reverse. it's also like a smile slowly turning to a frown. the frown is winter. and i don't care for her. She's a cold and bitter bitch. but i can deal with it. i always do.

but until she gets here i'll be enjoying fall in the city

bout time!

2005-10-10T16:49:00.000-07:00

ok, so i been in nyc for almost two months now and was beginning to believe i was a monkey lookin troll until this past weekend.

i wasn't gettin no action. nada. zip. zilch. none. and i ain't talkin physical, i'm just talkin some real conversation, a connection of any kind. i've been steppin out too, or at least tryin to. i been to a couple of spots in the village, a couple in brooklyn. and besides the usual pervs or tired asses that try to approach, i couldn't get no play.

not until this weekend

i met up with a friend and bar hopped in the village sunday night. and for me sunday is the new friday. folks be out on sunday night. i pulled three niggas in one night. i think that's a new record for me.

now after having talked to all three of em, i realize that nothing will be jumpin off from all three of em. i can already tell one is a psycho. the other i could tell was a player which blew it for me instantly. the last one was rather plain, cool, not my type, but was actually some good conversation and a possible aquatince/friend.

i ain't gonna trip on my social life anymore. that shit will develop in time. i'll admit i was getting worried, but i got bizzness i need ta handle and i don't need no distractions. but even though nothin came out of them three possibles, it's good to know that a nigga is still in business.

Don't u know dat dey want to catch u SLIPPIN.........

2005-10-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

i haven't been bloggin cause i's don't have no computer.
just to type these sentences i had to sit in a crowded computer lab at 10pm.
i've been lazy too
i works every day!
then i go home,
and smoke,
and chill
till sleep
i'm out!

i'm tryin not to bring the bad habits i had back in chicago to new york.
my sometimes lazzy and trifelin' ways i want to to vamooossss. beat it. go away!
i'm just off to a bad start. maybe i should say slow start. workin monday thru friday, school two days a week. not overwhelming. i could do better. but i'm not doing bad, either. i'm maintaining. but i always maintained, always went on cruise control. i got that shit down to a science. i just got to step my game up a bit.

and i will
i'm just on cp time with it. that's all.

i candy

2005-09-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

it's some fine mutha fuckas in this city. this past weekend i was in harlem on saturday and sunday for seperate reasons.

saturday i was going up there to shop. 125th is always busy but i made a point to go all up and through harlem world. definatly once your been in any hood you've been in them all. but harlem put it's own stank on city living. a very different vibe from brooklyn.

sunday i was still nursing a hang over from my drunkin evening the night before. i went to riverside church for service. i paid the price sitting in the balcony. ain't nothin like feeling like an old heathin up in church, comin down from drinkin and druggin, (weed to be exact) but thank Jahova i made it through. i went to a sunday buffet and ate my face off. then i went to meet a friend rah and hung out with her for the first time since i got here. we had a good time in harlem that day. we went to the african american day parade. truly a black parade, the highlight was the two different gay marching troups full of drag queens, popin queens, and their good fag hag girlfriends, all marchin, poppin, and jukin down adam clayton powell blvd. it was truly a sight to see. beautiful people everywhere.

on monday i got off work early and made a contact with my friend's good friend that live in bk. he knew where the trees were at and said he would take me to get some. he lived off of uttica avenue on the a and c train. the train stop was a beautiful one, great tile and art and color surrounded my exit from the subway. it was another neighborhood i hadn't been too and it was a good spot. good for the eye candy that is. niggas galor, everywhere i turned! thugs, professional, and everything in between.

yes, indeed this was one of my better weekends in the city.

nap time

2005-09-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

i've been here for three weeks. work is great. school is chill. but i'm bored. never though i'd say that in nyc. through out the week i'm ok. dealing with work and school keeps me busy. but on the weekends i don't know what to do with myself here.

i get out of class at noon on saturday and i draw a blank. i go for walks throughout manhattan. i find that doing this allows me to get familar with the city and it's enlighting to discover new and different parts of the city. but a nigga can only walk so far for so long. after class i walked up 6 ave and shopped, walked threw a couple street fairs, went in a bar and had a drink, went to have that soup and salad deal at olive garden, and went to work out. i was so beat down by 4pm after all the walking and ground i cover that i had to take my ass home and take a nap.

the night life is no different. on nights that you can step out during the week i be so tired that i take it right on to bed. during the weekend i really don't know where to step out cause there's either so many options or there's not any. and it doesn't really help that i'm a lone wolf here. i'm a very independent person and don't mind going out by my lonesome, but it get's kinda boring up in da club tapin you toe to the beat, alone. i'm not the type on the prowl lookin to hook up with somebody (now if that comes up, i ain't gonna say no) but usually it doens't happen.

i went out to this club last night called rockwells, a narrow, hole in the wall of a spot, but cool for a neighborhood joint. i got there around midnight and it was empty. so i waited and waited and waited. as people got there they got inspected by the po po's. two hours later the place started jumpin and i was so tired that i had to hit it.

they need rest areas here through out the city like in japan, where u can stop and take a quick nap before you proceed on bout your business. hey, that's an idea. now don't nobody go and steal my shit.

what's really goin on

2005-08-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

i feel like i've been here before. like deja vu, i've felt like i've walked these streets before, seen these neighborhoods before, smelled these sencts before. but i know i haven't, at least not in this life time. but it seems familar.

even the people i'm meeting seem like souls i've met before. most are friendly, some are scary, all are unique, kinda. everybody seems to have their hustle goin on. haved lived a trying experience and seen a lot of things. and don't mind sharing it either.

but not only are things very familar here, but some what too familar. i see the same rudness, and shallowness, envy and hate. when i got here a friend of mine who stays in brookly said "these queens are all cut from the same cloth, no matter what package they come in" i see that too. coming from chicago, where u gotta look under bolders to find a decent friend-God willing a potential mate, i would've assumed that since the people are more in numbers here, the chances are greater. but u know when u assume u make a ass outta u and yo mamma too.

maybe i ain't been to the right spots, neighborhoods, parties, clubs, etc. hell i only been here a week. but i made an effort to go out, to see and do a lot this week before i start school. i turned 30 years old yesterday. i hung out with my suite mates, smoked my first blunt in six weeks, and stepped out two two spots, that was trash but i had a drink and i was cool with it.

it maybe that the loneliness is sinking in cause i don't have my crew to hob knob with. i cherish my friendships more than hookin up with a nigga. maybe it's this new environment i've been thrust into, having to keep up with a pace already set by the natives.

whatever it is, i'm not worryin about it. i know what's really goin on. it's doin what i gotta do. i got work and school, ideas, plans, and pleanty of time.

so in the meantime.................i'll just watch my surroundings, check out the scenes and the scenary. and the beautiful people.

besides, i like to people watch. it makes the time go by so much faster. and i'm gonna need a neck brace from all da double takes i been makin.

How u like dem apples?

2005-08-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

i been here for a week. the people are nice and open and in yo face and beautiful and ugly and everything in between. my job is the shit (so far) full benefits and no drug test. who could ask for anything more.

i haven't got lost on the train yet (knock on wood) and movement around the city is relatively easy and convenient. i live and work in brooklyn and go to school in manhattan.

the weather has been nice the whole week. today is saturday and i rode my bike around the bk. down flatbush through prospect park, up to the brooklyn bridge, and around williamsburg.

i don't have internet access yet, until i get my first check on da first.

stay tuned...........

SHUT YO TRAP

2005-08-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

i was on the green line coming from work yesterday and this guy, way on the other side of the train, was just runnin his mouth on his cell phone. loud. this makes my skin crawl. now me and everyone else on the train was forced to hear this converstation he was havin with God-knows-who. he was making hand jestures and was really into the conversation, but he wasn't talkin bout shit. loud as fuck. wasn't sayin nothin. u could see all the other frustrated riders, rollin their eyes and shakin their heads. one lady that was sitting in front of him got up and moved to the other side of the train. yet and still this fool had no clue just how irritating he was to a train full of folkes. he just carried on, ranting about "keshia and how her baby hair be nappy but her's stay done all the time, and what he would do if that was his baby mamma"

this happens all the time, in the grocery store, on the bus, just walkin down the street, and people are not aware of their volume screachin from their beaks. no descrection. no respect for other people's space. no respect for themselves.

here in chicago cell phone use is already banned while driving, and it's coming to a city near you too.

there should be someone out here to regulate on out-of-control voulme levels when on a cell phone in public places. if u don't know how to have a conversation at a respectable tone, a big ass nigga comes outta the blue and open-hand slap yo ass in the mouth. i bet folkes would be aware of their volume then.

4 mo days

2005-08-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was a good one for me. my boy came up to spend our last weekend together in the midwest. we had a good time.
friday i planned a small get-together at my friends house. i sent out a lot of invites but most faked. however, all who was important was in attendance and it was very intimate and a good time was had by all. i watched the view eariler that day and star jones was on the back lot talkin about her favorite subject: food, and she had this recipe for white sangria. i printed it out and made it for the party and the folkes just drank that shit like it was the last serving of water on earth.

inbetween the sex and the sleep, my boy helped me pack up most of my shit, which i really appreciated cause in true nigga fashion, i've procrastinated and haven't packed anything. saturday night we went to a party for another guy that's also moving to nyc. the local was nice, the weather was beautiful, and it was open bar (my kinda party)

sunday i worked my last day at one of my three jobs, and went up north to my friends boyfriends house where we grilled, and played spades, and drank, and they smoked, and i watched them, and we ate, and had a nice time.

this is the last week for my other job and everybody is all nice and friendly. i don't know how to feel about that. are they happy i'm leaving or are they sad. it really don't matter, but i'm curious though.

this will be a crazy week for me cause i got a lot of shit to do, but dammit, it's gonna get done.

we gonna party like it's yo birthday

2005-08-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

what does it all mean. hell, i don't know but any information, i'll accept. i read this brothers blog and it led me to this site about your birth date and how it relates to u. it's some truth to it also, at least for me it is. this is how mine read:

Your Birthdate: August 28

Your birth on the 28th day of the month (1 energy) adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your Life Path.
The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated.
A birthday on the 28th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach.

Unlike much of the other 1 energy, this birthday is one that endow with the ability to start a job and continue on until it is finished.
You may prefer to use the broad brush, but you can handle details as well.
You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed.
You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.

check it out for ya self

can i borrow about $500 dollars till like 2008?

2005-08-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

i consider myself real modest in the things i want. i don't like jewelry, i don't got the fancy "labels" in my wardrobe, i don't have a fly ride. i'm a real simple fella. i keep hearin about people who hit the jackpot, meetin potential mates who just set them out with money and gifts and things. in the meantime i'm over here broke as fuck, hungry, and a couple checks past poverty. i'm glad i don't have any kids depending on me or we all would be some dead niggas.

my credit is jacked and i got too much pride and sense to be on some hustle shit be it drugs or ass (although i probably could make a killin on the stroll)

i need some money to fall out da sky real quick. or like a armored truck to flip over and burst open with flyin bills raining all over the street. or like a rich old lady to fall out in front of me and i save her from gettin ran over by a city bus and she repay me with a couple hundred.

all i need is just a little bit, not a lot. just a little bit.

i'll put 10 percent in the nearest church.

for real!

somebody borrow me a dollar

CASHVILLE TEN-A KEY

2005-08-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

i just got back from nashville. my family reunion is the first weekend of august, every year. when i tell people that they trip, sayin shit like "why every year," "i couldn't see my family every year," blah blah blah. actually, it's all i know. this year was the 38th consecutive year and they actually keep getting better and better.

i was getting to the point where i didn't want to go anymore. i was sayin to myself "all my cousins are grown now and got their own families, all the elders keep askin me "when u gonna get married?" what's the point coming by myself with no family to bring of my own." it turned out to be cool though. we traveled in three car loads down to tennessee, the weather was in the 90's the whole weekend, and we stayed in the embassy suites (know famous for their 5:30pm happy hours- we was fucked up everyday) of course we had some custom made shirts with the name and the location (a black family reunion wouldn't be one without em)

this year we did something different though. after breakfast saturday morning we had group meetings, splitting the men from the women. the men talked about the concerns of the men in our family, on how prostate and colon cancer is common in our family and that we need to be more health conscience. we talked about having a mens retreat and create a web site documenting our events every year. the women talked women's talk and had facials and massages.

this years reunion also had a caribbean theme and they asked all the family to where flowered shirts and they gave us Hawaiian lays, most of them in rainbow colors. of course i had to represent being the only one of over two hundred in attendance with locs, as well as sporting a gold shirt with red letters spelling jamaica on the front.

the family came out and it was real chill. word had spread that i was leaving for school and everybody was givin a lot of support and encouragement. most was talkin bout comin to visit (but i won't believe that shit till i see it cause i've been in the chi for ten years and nobody came here and hollered, but that's a whole nother story)

i rode back to with my brother and his wifey and baby daughter (me and the little one in the back seat) she turned eight months that weekend. what was soooo cute was that towards the end of the drive she started cryin and usually my bro or his wife would just shove a bottle in her mouth to shut her up, and she usually would. this time she just had this crazy look on her face. she wasn't hollerin but her eyes was full of tears. as time went by she fell asleep. i thought that was a crazy expression but i don't got no babies so i assumed that's what she looked like all the time. like a hour later we stopped to get gas and i pulled the blanket off her and it smelled like five bags of hot shit under her skirt. i realized she was teary eyed cause nobody would clean her shitty ass and she just gave up and fell asleep. i felt bad but that's the life of a baby. i guess shity pampers happens.

excuse me while i pick up my face

2005-08-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

my supervisor let me have it the other day. and rightfully so. i got this job back in march, already knowing that i was leaving for school in august. the job came right in time cause a nigga was broke as fuck. of course it's part time with no benifits but thats been my life here in chicago, a bunch of nothin-ass part-time, temporary, and seasonal jobs.

but any hoo..........

i work for a movie distrubution company and my duties are to input data of current and new releases of dvd titles in our system for customer service, as well as do research on titles for more detailed information, on the internet. i guess since i know i'm leaving in a matter of weeks i've been playn da nigga role a bit. not too bad but enough for her to bust me out on da shit. i'll jump back and forth from my work to readin blogs, checkin and sending emails, and so on and so forth, (i'm sure most corporate whores can relate)

well this day she wasn't havin it and called me into a room and proceeded to light into my ass. and she called me out on every detailed thing that she could. she was cool about it, not disrespectful, but straight to the point. and truthfully, i needed that shit cause sometimes i'm on cruise control and i need to be called out on my shit.

i never expected it from her cause she's an akward looking white chick, kinda bugged eyed and soft spoken, and bland. she kinda looks like a stud to tell u the truth. but after she tore me a new ass hole, i had to give it up to her. i really had more respect for her after that and truthfully, i was kinda turned on a bit by it. but of course my little ego was like "fuck u bitch, i'm gonna be outta here in two weeks anyway so naaahhhhh!!!" but i gotta check my ego this time.

i'm gonna give her my two weeks notice tomorrow. i hope she don't think it's cause she called me out on my short cummins. she's actually a sweet lady and i want to keep in touch with her after i leave. and i'm gonna thank her for correcting me on what i needed to be corrected on. we all need some constructive criticism sometimes.

man whore

2005-07-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

i come from a long line of whorish men. macho black men. players from the daddy on down. even my male relatives all across the country got it in them. im the yougest of 6 brothers (two of them half brothers- told ya pops was a rollin stone, but whos daddy ain't these days.) i still wonder how my mother survived the lone woman in the house full of niggas. one time she told me " not too long ago and still to this day in some cultures, it was honorable for a woman to give her husband a son,............shit i should've got paid for this." i think she should've too. i think anyone who can successfully raise a productive black man in these american streets should get some kinda tax credit. we have so many odds stacked against us, most importantly ourselves. it's like we're born to fail.

but back to my whorish lineage........

all my brothers are married (one is divorced) and they all have or are cheating on their wives. this is something that is just expected and accepted by all of us and the people in our lives as well. it's like that code of silence kept in sporting teams, on the police force and so on. of course their shit is on the low and they cover each other's back in their deception, and i follow in line also. of course my loyalty will lie with my brothers, and i guess this is where i get my some-what warped sense of opinion on mognogmany in relationships.

i usually separate the physical act of sex from love as far as relationships and booty calls are concerned. to me a nut is a nut. it's physical and that's it. just let me get one off real quick, and i'm cool. i know it sounds kinda fucked up but i think it's a great quality to posses, the ability to disconnect your feelings from the physical act. i would hate to be emotionally connected to everyone i've had sex with, cause some of those fools ain't worth it. and sometimes you can't find that fact out until you had a roll in the hay with em. i've had plenty of experiences that seemed cool as far as dating was concerned and as soon as we got buckked nakked it was thumbs down.

i don't want to paint this sleazy picture of myself, though. when i look back at my past relationships i've been monogamous about 90 percent of the time. i think that's good compared to some of these niggas out here. i know some might think once a cheater always a cheater. but don't trip. we are human, sexual beings, that have free will, and the ability to express it at our own discretion. i would never violate the person i'm with. i would always be protected and never bring any drama to our relationship.

i also know about karma too. which has also made me rethink my views on monogamy and the effects of being unfaithful in a relationship. i've seen the shit my brothers have gone through in their marriages, the shit my parents have went through, and my own personal mess. that shit comes back and it's usually one ole ugly hoe when it does.

ten years ago my philosophy on relationships was worse. i didn't want a relationship. i just wanted to do da deed. not to feel anything or be emotionally tied down to anyone. just be sexual. it seemed safer to protect myself from the hurt and pain caused by relationships through meaningless sex. but as i've experienced love over the years, i've realized that it really ain't so bad. it's actually feels good to love and be loved. i've started to miss those feelings, and i've never felt this way before.

it's hard finding your way in this lifestyle. it seems like everyone is just swangin from the chandeliers everywhere you go. and now more than ever, you gotta be on your shit as far as safety is concern. but you won't know what's up until you get out their and feel your way around.

so my quest continues........................

Father Time

2005-07-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

gettin old is a beeiiiiiaaaatttcchhhhhh!
we all are doin it. time is passing faster than ever these days
sometimes i just wanna push the pause button just to collect my thoughts
but that ain't gonna happen.

i went home this past weekend to visit the fam and it was a good time as always. my brother picked me up from the train station and he was late as usual. and it was raining too, so i was pissed. when i got home his kids were at the house with ma and pa, runnin them both ragged, but they just eat it up cause they're retired and don't do anything but sit around the house and watch cnn and fox new and judge mabaline emphrium and jerry springer all day, anyway.

moms and pops are a beautiful couple. they were both born and bred in the south, (pops from tennessee and moms from arkansas.) they migrated north to milwaukee in the 1950's to get the fuck out of the south. they met there and got it crackin, got married, and successfully raised four sane, law abiding, productive black boys to men. they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this past december and it was a beautiful celebration of their union and a testimony of what true love is and should be.

pops turned 75 this year and mom will be 72 soon. they have aged gracefully but with age comes the withering of their health. moms had hip replacement sugery last june, which she made a full recovery, yet her other bones ache with every step she takes. eariler this year my father had a mild stroke for the second time. his blood pressure is high and he needs to loose weight but he can't cause the stroke threw his mobility off. they don't get around like they used to and it's apparent when i come home. usually there is clutter of mail and old newspapers here and there or clothes stacked up in the basement that needs folding. when i was growing up my mother would bitch about how she "didn't want to live in no pig sty" and kept a clean house. now they do what they can and deal with it.

not to mention that one thing that lingers over the head of my brothers and myself (and most black men ) that is truly inevitable. prostate cancer. my father was diagnosed for it in the late 90's but luckily caught it early. however, symptoms have already shown up in my oldest brother. last december, the same day my niece was born on the 6th floor of columbia hospital, my brother had his prostate removed on the 5th floor. so this is the shit i got to look forward to. thanks dad

my father gets depressed about his inability to do the things he used to. he was always a soft spoken man that expressed himself through his hard work ethic. now he feels useless. back in the day that man would have us cuttin grass, cleanin out gutters, washin windows, washin cars, cuttin other folks grass etc. etc. and we didn't get paid for it, we did it cause he said so, and he was right along with us leading the way. now only thing he can do is sit, look out the window, and watch his sons do the work he always did. he told me the other day "son, gettin old ain't no joke," and i'm a witness of it, cause i see his spirit sinking, by way of his failing health.

they're also some drug addicts too. nawwwwwwww they not hooked on da crack or vicadan, but any and every kind of drug that supposedly helps them with their failing health, they're on it. they both got one of those plastic daily prescription drug containers that holds the pills they're required to take for a month. they both are popin about 5 to 7 different pills a day. drug companies and doctors are the real drug pushers, fuck these niggas on the corner slangin.

don't get me wrong, these are two happy and humble spirits, content with the lives they built together. they travel more than i do. and when i come home they are alway chillin in the cut, feet up, and relaxin. that's what retirement is all about. so when i come home i clean up the clutter, cut the grass, fold the clothes, and take care of the people that took care of me. now that's what love is all about.

THIRTY DAZE

2005-07-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

every morning when i walk to the train i say a silent prayer. i give thanks for that moment of clarity, so i can reflect on the many countless blessings i receive on a daily basis. i give thanks for protection in the wilderness of the city. i'm appreciative of my journey and where it led me, as well as where and what i'm destined for. i'm thankful for being able bodied and healthy, and pray for focus and direction. i pray for the kids that i pass in the streets that have no motivation, no role model, no discipline, no hope. maybe they'll see that nigga with the dreads and a book in his hand walkin by and be inspired, in some way.

i pray for a stronger and deeper connection with the spirit within me, to continue to be my compass and give me direction thru the dark and turbulent times when i can't find my way. i give thanks for friendship. i'm thankful for friends who have fed me when i had no food in my crib or my belly, and not a dime in my pocket. thanks for laughter, counsel, and fellowship (and niggaroke every wednesday night)

i'm thankful for love and how it changed me for the better. i'm thankful for the good relationships that i've had, i'm thankful for the bad ones. even in going through all the bullshit with some of these good-fa-nothin ass niggas, there's always a beautiful lesson that's been learned.

i'm thankful for ten crazy years of struggle, survival, trials, and triumph.
i look forward to what lies ahead.
i'm thankful for my time spent here.

i got thirty days left in chicago, and i pray that i use them wisely.

how hot iz it?

2005-07-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

it's hotter than five fat hoes on menopause in cashmire ponchos over wool body suits sittin in a ford festiva with no air parked by a burning forest in arizona

NAVIGATION: from bronzville to wicker park

2005-07-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

south side. from my door at 45th and king drive, i make my way
down the streets of calumet are broken glass and empty lots full of uncut grass
but across the street, gentrification at its peek
for the three years that i've lived here, i've seen blocks of nothing turn to something......else
new two and three flats, walk ups, condos, and homes at half a mil a pop

these south side streets is hot, so is the sun on my skin
makin a black man bronze once again
standin on the green line "L" platform
lookin down 43rd, watchin the prostitutes on parade, the pollen rise, and the summer haze hold the sky
here comes the train, loop bound, destination: west siiiiidddddeeeee!!!

glad i'm on a train car with air, accompanied by a couple bums, a pretty lady with some pretty toes,
and the usual thugs in white t's all take this ride with me
goin north, along state street, indiana, 35th, rooselvelt, adams, madison, randolph, state
clark and lake is where i make my escape, from the pan handlers, beggars and rappers in my face
descending down into the ground from green line to the blue, and the lands of people of different hues

but the blue line is kinda dirty too
providing service for the west and northwest
northwest side ain't the best side
maybe if u got da doe. but i can't live in the land of trends cause my pockets are too broke
neighborhoods are a changing, like the times
ten years ago this was puerto ricoville, and now all i see are dog parks and internet cafes
but what can u say or do? u just gotta follow through with the plan that's made without thoughts of u, in mind
leave those self defeating thoughts behind, those people that say u can't, those haters that can't relate

fuck this shit, i'm gonna clean my plate
wipe the slate
start fresh
a new
damn!

it's hot out here on these northwest streets
south on damen i stride, callin stevie to open da door
i'm almost in conditions of air to cool me off
climbin his raggedy stairs, into his comfort zone of a home
once again i'm spared
nigga pass tha green, it's a trip out there!

Da Fit Has Hit Da Shan

2005-07-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

do yall smell dat?

terry mcmillan tore that man a new ass hole on tavis smiley last night

i bet if they did a close up, u would've saw smoke and steam rising outta her hair and ears. she was livid. it's on like donkey kong.

but for real though.................

is this a publicity stunt? im sick of this shit. what a co-winky-dink. her book is droppin next week and she's on the today show, good morning america, tavis, and all ova da net.

look at cassidy. right before his album drops he's killin niggas
da game and fifty got mad head lines in all kinds of publications between their album promos
tomkat is every where right before batman and war of the worlds drops. (i remember when tom cruise didn't even talk to press and now he jumpin on peoples' couches and actin a damn fool)

i don't know yall

somethin stinks!!!!!

Rainy Days and Tuesdays.........

2005-07-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

i been having some crazy dreams lately. yesterday i dreamed that my friend went half-crazy while we were out on the town and i watched police restrain him and beat him to a pulp. last night i had a dream that a childhood friend of mine who just had a baby bout a year ago killed her own child. (i know that dream came from the oprah rerun i watched yesterday with brook shields talkin bout psychotic thoughts after the birth of her baby) talk about starting ya day off stank.

then of course when i look out the window it's raining the remains of tropical depression dennis (what a appropriate term for my feelings)

last night one of my good friend stopped by and we talked. we had to change the subject when my fast approching departure came up. it just brought up feelings we didn't want to deal with at the time. today my other good friend called me and told me how he was in a funky mood yesterday after we hung out. he said he cried to his boyfriend because he didn't know what he was gonna do when his best friend leaves for nyc. and that shit was crazy cause i left his house in a funky mood yesterday too, but i didn't know what was wrong with me. i guess i had shit on my mind, and as i left his house the clouds covered the sky from what was a long hot sunny week in chicago. "here comes dennis!" i thought

im currently reading "spirit of a man" by iyanaly vanzant and she talks alot about breathing and how breath is your connection to your spirit. with conditioning yourself to meditating through breathing pratices for a short time each day, you can change your mood, your preception on life, and how u navigate through it. i needed a mood change. this is something i intend on practicing, but one problem......it's summer and i got allergies, asthma, and a head full of snot.

i need a plan b miss vanzant

I'm Sorry for Leaving Baby, but I's Gots ta Go

2005-07-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

i'm leaving my baby, and i's feelin really bad, i's feelin mighty low.

i've been dating a beautiful guy for the last year and a half. he lives two and a half hours away (yep long distance) and somehow we made it work. he would drive to the chi and i would go down to indy, where he lives. we talk multiple times a day (God bless sprint to sprint) and have a connection out of this world. we complete each others thoughts, like the same music, like the same bad foods, we're both porn addicts, im talkin bout a match made in fag heaven here. i admired him because he was so resourceful, independent in his young age, and he has the biggest, brightest, most beautiful smile. i luv his little black ass. and i know he luv me too, from dread to toe.

of course we had our rough spots. he's a cancer (i call em crazy cancer) and he took me through it in the first half-year. talk about emotional, but it was something that i couldn't relate to because i was so disconnected to my emotions. i was intrigued by it. he would have a feeling and call me on it and be right on the money. i was scurrd of him, for a minuet. i've never had a true association with how i felt and he challenged it consistently. then i realized that he reacted cause he was scared of loosing me. but i wasn't going no where. at least at that time i wasn't.

so a year flies by and were doing great. but i'm not fulfilled personally. i haven't been able to get my career off the ground since getting my degree and i felt worthless. i could've used my diploma for toilet paper as far as im concerned. i was broke, financially and spiritually. i'd been in chicago for almost 10 years and didn't have shit to show for it. so in december of 04' i realized i needed to get back in school, and started makin plans. by janurary i had my applications off. by feburary i was accepted to school in nyc. ooohhhh shit!!! finally i could be getting the fuck outta chicago and the midwest.

but wait a minuet.................. what about my baby?

it took a long time for me to break it to him. he was supportive of me doing what i got to do to better myself but his crazy ass let me have it too. when it really sunk in that i was gonna leave he asked some deep questions:
*all these schools in chicago and indiana. why did u decide to go to school in nyc?
*when u decided to go to school, did u consider our relationship and me?
*how long have you been planning this and when was u gonna tell me?
at that moment if i had a rock to crawl under i would've made it my home.

and i know i gotta do what i gotta do, but was i selfish for deciding to move across the country, away from my nigga, even when things are going good with us?

well, my move date is august 20th. it's almost the middle of july. and time is tickin away like a backpack on a suicide bombers back.

he's getting used to the idea of me leaving everyday but i know he don't like it one bit. i have anxiety because i don't know nuffin bout no new york city. i know 3 souls out of the seven million plus that's there, so i'm startin from scratch. and i'm already quite reserved in my demeanor so it's gonna take a minuet find people of quality and substance and be comfortable in my surroundings. but i'm fearless and focused so I'm not worried.

me and my boy is gonna get through this. i just don't know how. i have to keep reminding myself of that old saying, "it's better to have loved than never to have loved at all" (something like that). i'm thankful for him coming in my life and it truly has made me a better man. i'm sure he would say the same. shit, a two year relationship in the gay life is like 10 years in the straight life. so we at least have a friendship that's solid. a connection that will never be matched. a relationship that we both can say was life changing and important in our growth and development. and a love that still is.

but, i'm a miss his little black ass, though!!!!! for real!

It's Really Not All About You!

2005-07-07T07:10:00.000-07:00

i read "the purpose driven life" by rick warren right after it became popular again, when the chick in atlanta told the media that she shared that book with the guy brian nichols, who killed all those folkes in the court house and held her hostage, a few months back. someone from church had given the book to my mother and she wanted me to read it for her cause she was too lazy to read it. so i did, and the first chapter said " it's not all about you" well shut my mouth, cause i always thought that it was all about me, or at least i should hold myself in high regard since i am in charge of my destiny. so what was this book tryin to tell me? all this time that i've been tryin to repair all the damage that was done mentally, emotionally, spiritually to my self-esteem throughout my childhood and in my young adulthood years, and now i'm supposed to throw all of that out. what's up wit dat???

so i kept reading, and the book ask that you read a chapter a day for 40 days. so for forty days i read, and i was told to look at the life i've lived and totally disregard what i was taught about life because it was not about me. it went on to say that the purpose of life is to be self less and giving, sacrificing and generous to any and all who is in need. it said that everytime that you have a difficult time in life, be it small or great, you should consult with God and let it go and allow him to handel it. it said to fellowship and reach out to other people, especially the people who you are in conflict with and don't give a rat's ass about, in order to be the better man in the situation, and show them that by example. it said to be apart of a support group that has similar goals and aspirations in their life, to meet occasionally and encourage each other in life's trials and triumps. the book said a lot of things that made me look at life through different eyes now.

now the book is heavily doused in christian theory and belief of course. anyone who is not a bible thumpin religious freak or a regular christian might not be feeling this book. for a couple of chapters i wasnt's feeling it. i have a problem with most organized religion, including and most importantly christianity. i have a problem with any religion that uses their same beliefs to enslave people, to discriminate against other cultures and religions, or to degrade their women. i dont have time for the hypocrisy and ignorance that is often found through the doors of the church.
however, i ain't stupid either. i believe in the spirit, that we all have one and some are more connected than others. i believe there is a God/Creator that allows us to have free will and i believe we create our own path through him/her/it. i believe that people create their own hell on earth and have been conditioned and taught how to develop their own demise.

im a true virgo when it comes to selfishness so this book enlightened me on many of my flaws in being self-absorbed and "all about me." and the truth is, it really ain't all about me after all. i'm more conscience about what i say and do to people, how i act and react toward people, and most important how i treat people. im more thoughtful, aware, and apprecative of all have and what i have to give to those i encounter on a daily basis.
reading this book was like glenda the good witch tellin me that all i had to do was click my red timbs three times.
i have a different perspective now. all i have to do now is put it to use.

CELEBRITY

2005-06-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

when i become famous i want to have my shit together. it seem like when black folk get a little fame, they lose their minds. whitney, bobby, deangelo, odb (r.i.p.), bill cosby, mikey jackson, blah blah blah, ( i could go on and on) i watched the bet awards last night and i was constantly reminded of how i dont want to be when i blow up. where o where do i begin.................

how bout with the beginning..... the fugees. i caught the end of their performance cause i had to ride my bike in the rain to my friend's house who has cable (i dont got cable, or power for that matter.) i saw enough to see poor lauren, in her extreme black bow tie hanging over her left sholder and her crazy larry (from the three stooges) wig. i pray for her every time i think about her, cause i wanna know what the hell is goin on in her mind. i wanna know do she got everything under control or do she need to still stay out of the lime light for a minuet. i wanna know is she tired of the industry and what it does to a performer or what it did to her. i wanna know if maybe she was crazy before she got in the industry and she was able to mask it up to a certin point. maybe she aint crazy, she's just a private person. (i can relate to that) aint nothing wrong with handeling your business and wanting some privacy. but there is a difference between the pre miseducation and post miseducation of lauren hill.

mary, i luv mary. but these last few years she's been acting a fool in her live performances. when did jumping around like u on fire and hollering equate to good sanging. she consistantly screams and screaches in her performances lately and i ain't feelin that. her range has gotten higher but when it sounds like she talkin to dolphins, that ain't cute.

faith and toni braxton was a bad combo. it looked like they didn't make rehersals. and they could have done better. and the consensus from everybody is..............gladys had to come up on that stage and show all them young bitches how it's done. she was great and she really taught a lesson to all the performers and viewers on how a performance is supposed to be done.

will and jada was cool as host. i like them as the power couple they've become.

that was crazy seing stevie wonder doing a dance routine, i don't even know what to think about that.

im feeling mariah's cd big time, but that fuckin track switched when she got to the big part of that song. she can't fool me. she, and most of the artist last night, be tryin to piss on us and call it rain with all the lip syncing that was goin on. thank God for gladys.

why wasn't nobody there to accept their award?

omarion got mad baby hair. the baby hair connected to his pork chop side burn. that's crazy.

tena marie was feeling her rick james poem, and she was fillin up that outfit she was in, and almost "bustin out " of it (r.i.p. rick james)

oh........can i say also that bet sucks a fat one. that's too much money for a massive media coorporation to have and still display crap ass content.

TOUCHED

2005-06-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

i went home this past weekend to milwaukee for father's day. it was a beautiful experience being around all my family once again. my brothers decided to throw a bar-b-que for my father and all the family came out. mad food and drink, laughs and good times were had by all who were attended.

despite all of the happy feelings in da air this past weekend i found out some news that kinda disturbed me. my mother told me that one of my nephews was molested by his babysitter's son when he was a little boy. he's almost 11 now and going on 25, smart, funny, cleaver, and cute. i see a lot of me in him, same chocolate tone and big sleepy eyes. and i can relate on being violated also.
his mother, my niece, had him when she was 14 and now has 3 more kids following him. they seem like brother and sister if you ask me, but they have a close relationship. im sure she had no idea, (like most parents of abused kids), that someone she trusted in was raising a "chester" that was touchin her baby.
my mother confided in me the situation because i told her of my own experience a few years back. she said in hind sight, it all made sense, my researved behavior and why i always looked lost and depressed during my youth. she also said that she could see it all in my nephew's face, this past weekend too.
dont get me wrong, this kid won't let what he's going through show. he was all smiles and jokes at the bar-b-que, telling me that he just graduated elementry school and got accepted to an arts middle school. a few months ago i was having a converstion with him and it was like was talkin to one of my grown ass friends. i had to remind myself that i was talking to a 10 year old boy (this is how mature he is)

i recall in my youth having really dark thoughts and wishing i wasn't born, thinking i was a burdend, and just feeling worthless. my self esteem was void and non existant. i'm positive this was a direct result of my violation, and affected and stunted my social, emotional and spiritual development. i never had anyone to confide in and i couldn't tell my moncho brothers and strict father. i just had to deal with it, and that was some hard shit to deal with. but i did, and now i'm stronger.

it will be different for him though. yeah, my nephew gonna be one ole' gay like his uncle. but he'll have someone that is gonna look out for him and someone he can confide in. and when he's ready to have "that talk" i will be there ready to aid and assist.

Turn Da Lights Off............."Tweet"

2005-06-16T14:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know how long I thought I was gonna get away with it. It had been at least a year and a half since I "paid" them a monetary visit. After that length of time, i knew i would be home free, until i packed up my shit and hit it to nyc. But i knew deep down that this day was coming. Yep, 6/15/05 was D-Day for mi casa.
Com Ed stopped by and got me right together. I got my lights cut off . No electricity. (I don't got the power!) As soon as i turned that key and didn't see my little censored light on by the door, I knew that dooms day had arrived.

Now I've struggled during my ten years in Chicago. This cold city can get to you if you don't fall in line and assimilate amongst the masses. I've also had my gas cut off plenty of times, and managed to do without the luxury of cooking gas, (God bless the Georgie "Porgie" Forman grill and my nuclear-wave oven) Shit, my gas is off now, while ya bull shittin. But I ain't never got my lights cut off. It's kinda embarrassing. Without the "Power" I can't do much of anything. No tv, music, no cold beverages or frozen food, can't line my face up or blow my locs dry after i washed em. I can't do shit without "da power."

I stopped lookin at my light bill about over a year ago. I had a part-time job that was cutting our hours and I was getting one day a week. Not even a full eight hours. A couple of years ago i got laid off of two separate jobs in a years time. The only beauty out of that fucked up scenario was the almost two years of unemployment i received (right after 9-11 they would give extensions on unemployment.) I was livin da life the between 2001 and 2003, layin up till noon, walkin the streets of Chi, workin out, riding my bike along Lake Michigan, smokin and drankin, etc...etc... Now don't get me wrong, you're not getting no fat ass check from the state. But i was able to make it work, of course by the grace of the most HIGH. I made it work till July of 2003 when my funds was exhausted. Luckily for me, around that time i started working for a catering company and that helped out a lot. But i was makin enough for two bills, rent and cell phone. Anything else askin for money, i couldn't holler at em. So the cookin gas was the first to go and it's been about a year for that. For some reason though, i still had my electricity on. But i was scared for a long time, just anticipating the day that shut me down. And i got away with it for almost two years.

My baby was just reading my horoscope to me yesterday and it was saying how lucky I was and I had good fortune coming and money opportunities on the way. I don't want luck like this. Luck like this can kiss my ass.

But..... It's all good though. I have 44 days left in Chicago and i wont let a little lack of "power" drain my energy. Besides tonight i'll be catchin the 8:05 train north to Milwaukee for the weekend. We're gonna have a big Bar-B-Q for my father for father's day. I'll have plenty of electricity, tv, cold beverages, music and company to keep me and my mind occupied.

Hey..........I do got the power (for the weekend, at least)

THE GENERATORS BACK!!!

2005-06-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

who woulda thunk. the generator back? i didn't believe it when i first heard it. why would it be true. why would they bring back that club when it's been closed since the late 90's (like 97 or 98)

the generator was the beginning of my days "goin out." it was the first gay club i went to and being from milwaukee.....it was everything i was needing at the time. the first time i went i was 19 and i befriended some guys who would every now-and-then drive down to chicago to go out. it's 90 miles south of us and folks from milwaukee make that drive all the time to kick it cause we aint got shit up there. two old stocky white guys owned the joint, and they was always there at the door takin the money and checkin id's.
i met the first boy i hollered at that night and i was obviously fresh meat cause them muthafuckas was up on me like ash on elbows. this was no studio 54. this was a medium sized hole in the wall. black walls, dim lights, two bars, one level, a dance floor in the middle of the club and every one walked around the dance floor in a circle to parooze the facility. for club standards it wasn't shit, but at the time it was all that gay black men and women had to frequent. House music all night. if you didn't like house music you wouldn't have a good time cause those house heads ate it up all night. and then they closed it........

flash forward to 6/11/05

there was word on the street that it was opening up and the word was true. we went six deep and drivin up to it brought back the memories of the spot on halsted and fulton. the queens hangin out on the side streets, the line down the block that always kept movin, the same two white guys that was at the door before are back (i guess they knew where their money was,) same black walls but only now.........it's plush and swanky. the generator done came up big time!!! we walked in and was blown away. the new generator is lookin like studio 54 now. they built a second floor that overlooks that same dance floor that we would walk in circles around. they got seperated air conditioned (that's right air conditioned) booths all around the club that comfortably sits 5-8 folkes(depending on your size of course). upstairs there's also a dance floor, mad space, and a long hallway full of private bathrooms. what? private bathroom in a club? get out!!!!

i can't recall having a club experience like this in gay black establishment in chicago the 10 years i've been here. we have had horrible clubs in chicago, and they would open up and close down. i don't know how a city of this magnitude could have such shitty options in night life for blacks in the life. but if the generator can have it's way, those options could change. it will change the scope of gay night life for people of color in the mid-west. and if niggas dont fuck it up, we could have a nice place we could call home.

well even though i'm on my way to nyc in august, i know i'll have recreation until my departure. i'm a have my ass up in the "rator" gettin my juke on!

Deciet

2005-05-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

YOU GOT A HEART OF GOLD...........................

BUT U GOT A SOUL MADE OF COAL!

Got Ta Get Ova Da Hump

2005-04-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

Wednesday

half way through, but i ain't done yet.

Wednesday is the new Thursday. I really anticipate Wednesdays cause I have a lot of options to do fun shit. Every Wednesday we have Niggerokie (Karaoke) at Charoletts and Jakari's House. They got a nice little karaoke system with two mics that they connect to their tv and sound system. (and every wednesday we be some sangin niggas)
Hump day is also hip hop night at Club Excape. This is not one of my favorite clubs in Chicago but it's something ta do. It's fulll of oldies but badies, late queens, and niggas drippin in wack juice. But what i like about it is when you go outside the rear of the club in the enclosed back area where the brothers are drinkin and smokin and chillin out. You can always walk in on a session goin on.

There's $3 Chocolate Martinis at Matesses, up north, but what's really gonna be the shit is when Summer Dance kicks off in Grant Park downtown this summer. Every Wednesday they'll have a dj spinnin different kinds of house music. They serve food and drink and the old Chicago house heads come out and kick it.

Wednesdays are the shit right now. As long as i get through Monday and Tuesday i'm all good.

DA PHILTHY TRUTH

2005-04-15T10:27:00.000-07:00

one of my pet peeves is a lyin ass mutha fucka. and when u lie, what is your intent behind it? and do u really think that we don't know you're lying?

now don't get me wrong, i lie. i used to lie just to do it. well not just to do it, but it was easy to lie to get out of doing something u don't want to do. i would lie to people when they would ask favors of me that i didn't want to abide in, or not to come off as being a prude or mean. i wanted to be a nice guy and give a valid reason why i wouldn't or couldn't do what i was asked to do. i got good at lyin too. the lies would come quick and i felt i was cleaver and sharp. and it's not that i was ever bust out about a lie or confronted. it was the fact that one day i just realized that, damn...............i lie a lot. i'd be lyin bout stupid shit, shit that wasn't even necessary.

but a lie is a lie. and there's nothing cute about a damn liar. nobody appreciates a good liar. u never here somebody say: "ole boy is so cool, the way he lie is soooo smooth. that's really a tight skill to have, i want to lie like him one day" One day i thought to myself, "i wonder do people think i'm a liar?" they probably did.

i started making the effort to tell the truth when asked a question that i felt the slightest urge to spit out a quick lie. turned out i wasn't disowned, or disrespected. folkes accepted my response for what it was and that was cool. actually it was more than cool, it was a revelation, groundbreaking, even.

aint nothin wrong with the truth. they say it'll set u free. actually it's kinda empowering to know how u feel and stand on that truth and not be ashamed to voice it. i just want to be authentic and not a hypocrite.

so now i dont lie, as much. well i can't just quit cold turkey. but i am very conscience of my intent and what i say to people now.

so go ahead.............ask me anything.

MY WEEKEND IN WALKI

2005-04-13T14:21:00.000-07:00

after work on saturday i got on the 8:05pm train north bound to MILWAUKEE to visit the land from which i came. The train ride is alway peaceful, with plenty of personal space. the only thing is that the hour and a half ride is too short when u go in that zone, (reading, sleeping, daydreamin, u get da picture).

My brother always pickes me up from the train station, and his ass is always a little late, even when i call him way ahead of time to be there and he aint got shit else to do but pick me up, but this time he was there and waitin. (he was lucky too cause he was gonna get a tongue lashin)

We go to his house and i sit up with him and his family, wife-Trina, son-Eric jr., and newest edition 4 month old Keiarah, aka Quita. Quita always has this expression on her face like your bothering her or she's not really studdin you, but I always stare at her because she's the first girl born in our family in about 22 years, (not to mention that da widdle baby waby iz so cutie wootie, yes she is, yes she is)

so after that i go to the parental units, where i usually dwell for my visits, and Paw is up, Maw is in the bed.
Paw's chillin watchin a game, (Paw is recovering from a mild stroke a couple weeks ago but u can't tell cause he's back to his usually self) Dinner is always waiting for me and Paw always go out of his way to fix me a plate. I dont know what's up with old folks always trying to feed you. If i was still living at home i'd be one ole' fat bitch.

I also visited my brother Ricky and my nieces and nephews who all live above and with him in the duplex my parents raised my oldest brothers in, that Ricky now owns. His oldest daughter Tia lives up stairs with her 4 kids and husband that aint shit, the middle child (for real middle child) Della aka Lil Magic, lives there, and Rick jr. just moved back in with his nice-to-me-but-hood-wit-it-ass girlfriend LaDonna. then in comes my oldest nephew Lance, who is one year behind me(28). We all smoked and talked and it was good to be around them all.

My visit lasted 3 nights-4 days, and that's not long enough. I've been running from my family since i graduated and was able to get outta the house. i wanted to be on my own and find myself, which i did, (i think). i've been away from home for 12 years now and i'm about to go away farther than i've ever been from them. For the last 10 years i've been in chicago, a short train ride from my family. I'll be heading "to the east my brother" in 5 months, and lately, in these days and times, the months go by in days.

So to make a long story short (TOO LATE) i have to make time to go north bound on that train to WALKI. people are getting old and sick, babies are growing, and i'm leaving. i have to spend as much time as i can with my family while we have the time to spend together.